I guess I knew that I was attracted to Women even when I was little. In retrospect, the infatuation with romance started with Women. When boys were still yucky, Women were everything for every reason and beyond. When listening to my Spice Girls albums or Christina Aguilera, I don’t think I had any boys in mind when I would act out music videos with make believe Love interests. I didn’t know what that was back then though, so I did what every little girl did in my elementary and middle school, got me a boyfriend.
It didn’t become crystal clear until high school. I’d started “experimenting” and when my partners chucked it up to “girls just wanna have fun”, I was in the corner in Love. I’m so thankful for my go with the flow attitude and my general openness at that age. My attraction never scared me. I was just as boy crazy as the rest of my friends, but I liked girls. I didn’t think it was a big deal. Until it was.
I’ve never had an issue with approaching guys. It was like a game. But girls. Heavens, no! It was nothing short of terrifying. I was lucky to gain my first girlfriend in an extremely aggressive and open bisexual girl who was a couple years older than me. If she wasn’t so abrasive, it wouldn’t have happened. After that came to an end though, I noticed that I was attracting a lot of…*pause for effect*…straight girls.
Now, this could be a result of me being too afraid to approach Women, and therefore not giving off a “serious” energy when it came to my connections with them, but it annoyed me all the same. I became a comfortable go to for girls who just wanted to “try it out”. I would fall for it usually (because mama has needs too), but would quickly grow to resent these girls. These weren’t bisexual Women, if you’d asked me. In fact, they depicted all the worse parts of being a femme bisexual Woman. They only wanted to participate in the parts that would get guys going; kissing in the club and being able to say “yeah I’ve eaten pussy before”.
I’ve gotten my feelings hurt a couple of times playing around with these types and when I got fed up, I judged them and can sense their kind from a mile away. I wanted nothing to do with them. I always thought of myself as a “true bisexual” because I could be truly fulfilled by either a Woman or a Man and in very different ways. I thought of myself as the right kind of bisexual, the type of bisexual that I would want to deal with.
It wasn’t until Hennessy Carolina (yes, Cardi B’s little sis) put up a post defending her sister’s sexual identity that I started to question my judgment. Many lesbians and bisexual Women, including me, had been angry and judgmental of Cardi’s lyrics in a song called “Girls”, which is basically “I Kissed A Girl” by Katy Perry for 2018. All it seemed to do was continue an over sexualized narrative of bisexual Women. It painted girls as “play things” to feel up in the club before going back home to Daddy. It made me feel pretty disgusted and annoyed.
While I still believe that that narrative is played the fuck out and gross if used to arouse dudes, I am now more open to the idea that just because someone’s bisexualism looks like this, it doesn’t make them wrong, and it doesn’t necessarily make them not a "true" bisexual. Hennessy checked me on that one. One thing I’ve learned about my own sexual journey and fluidity is that I don’t have to explain my relationships or anything I do in my bedroom (or bathroom or kitchen) to nannn none of you hoes! Just kidding, you’re not hoes, but you get what I’m saying.
We’re allowed to just be. Whatever that looks and feels like, as long as it feels good. As long as you’re being honest with your partners, whether they be in the form of a fuck buddy or spouse, then I don’t think there’s an issue. I will continue to stray away from the Women who would consider me for sex but nothing else (Men too the fuck?), but I won’t judge a bisexual Woman for preferring a sexual experience with me and a romantic one with a Man. I just have the option of not fucking with her.