Today marks one week since moving into my new apartment. I moved into an apartment building that I lived in before, and aside from the obvious upgrade from my last unit to this one, I’ve been noticing the overall difference in my experience here. I’ve especially been noticing the difference of who I am now when I’m alone.
I’ve spent the past two years in a house with a close friend of mine. I Loved it. I thought that it was the ultimate roommate experience because being in a house gave us more than enough of our own space, but I also had a bestie, sister, business partner, and partner in rhyme right in the next room. It really was everything I needed after moving from this building in a space of complete loneliness and literally craving company.
I remember three years ago, I would drag out my stay at the after work happy hours just to avoid going home to no one. I would especially dislike weekends, knowing that I’d likely have no contact at all with other humans until I got back to the office on Monday. Sitting in my little studio for hours, watching Netflix on my laptop and binge eating whatever I was able to afford that week; it wasn’t a depression that I’m used to, but I was definitely depressed.
When I moved into the house, I had people around me who grew to understand my mind, and that helped me to understand it too. I was able to let my creativity shine. We had conversations which provoked thought, helped me write, and kept me on my toes for all that we could do. We created Away With Words The Podcast in that house and that has lit the flame of everything that is important to me right now.
Now, only a week into my new home and I can feel that even if I don’t see people for weeks (which wouldn’t happen because I’m far too busy these days), I’ve gained so much peace and comfort within myself that I wouldn’t even notice. A co-worker of mine said that homes have different “moods”. I agree with that and think that we set the mood of our home the first time we enter.
As excited as I was to be getting out of my YeYo’s house and be in the city on my own, I entered my place three years ago with so much emotional baggage. I wasn’t present, I was so hung up on the past and worried/unsure about my future. I wanted to be wanted so desperately. I put that mood on my home, and now I can physically feel the difference.
Walking into my new home with a sense of presence, confidence, optimism and peace has filled my space to the brim with a beautiful and welcoming warmth. I’ve made it mine in the best ways. I don’t see myself getting lonely here because you can never be lonely in the realm of Love. I’ve really worked to be where I am and that pride alongside my overall sense of comfort will keep me at ease in moments that used to break me in the past.
Coming back to live in the same building I lived in before is like looking in a mirror of my past. I’m thankful for who I was then, as shitty as I used to feel. Without it, this appreciation wouldn’t live in me as I live in this beautiful place. A place that could never be this beautiful to me when I didn’t see the beauty in myself.