Yesterday, I had a thought for the first time. Am I even monogamous? Over time, I’ve gotten more open to the idea of different types of relationships (or no relationship at all), but I’ve never inserted myself in my idea of a non-traditional one. I’ve been in support of them and have gained an understanding of them, but I’ve never considered it for myself. Not seriously. Even all the times I wasn’t looking, I was still looking forward to having that one.
I was having a conversation with one of my best friends yesterday, and I brought this up. She said something so simple that struck a major cord in me. “I’ve never met a nigga that had everything I need”. My first thought was, “lol same”, but I also started thinking about what this means. Isn’t that how it goes? Isn’t that just an element of relationships? Compromise? Giving up on one thing or more to have the person who, overall, is “right” for you? I totally get that…but it feels…limiting.
We hear this all the time, especially for Women. This idea of being the best at every element to keep your partner from needing anything else. Be the perfect listener, the best cook, the freakiest in bed (and the couch, and the kitchen, and the bathroom, *ahem*), be down with sports and video games or whatever the fuck they’re into, and like the music they like, and be silly, all while, HOPEFULLY, maintaining your sense of self. I’ve definitely heard similar things for Men, but the point is, who is ever all of those things all the time? And if/when you’re not, how do you keep your partner interested?
I don’t want to shy away from the fact that plenty of people have figured out how to be satisfied with one person. But I wonder how much discipline, that I honestly don’t want to apply to myself, that would take. How much I would have to convince myself that that thing that was once something of importance could be lived without now. And just to please the other person? You should see my face right now. It’s not that I don’t see the beauty in that sacrifice for someone you want to be with, but I don’t see a whole lot of value in weening myself off my wants and needs, which feels a whole lot like not being who I am, just to be with one person. When I could potentially share a connection with that person and still have my other needs met in other places? If that’s also an option, it feels like the best one.
A couple things to note in regards to the thought-seed currently planted in my mind: 1. This is certainly a result of me constantly wondering why it is SO hard to just like someone. Like, why do I meet people who are fantastic in all these ways accept in their ability to get me to click with them? 2. What does it even mean to click with someone? And if you do, is that sustainable? Is that enough to want to just stick with that person? 3. This isn't sexual. While I know that sex is a need of mine, I don’t think I would EVER intend to be in a space of fucking multiple people.
With that in mind! This just came to me just now! Maybe it’s not that I’m not monogamous. Maybe what I need in a partner is someone who values freedom as much as I do. And someone who is realistic about human attraction and the fact that it doesn’t just dissipate once you commit to someone. Someone who is willing to create a space where I can be exactly who I am. Not just Briana the girlfriend or partner or spouse or whatever, but just Briana. And maybe that doesn’t look like everyone’s idea of monogamy, and ultimately, that’s my challenge - understanding that I can have monogamy by its definition, but it can still look the way I need it to in order to be my full self.
At this moment, “So Into You” by Tamia just started playing and yeah dawg, I want that shit. I want to look at someone and think “damn, this is my fucking person”. That person is just going to be someone who isn’t threatened by who I am including my need to feel free, my attractions and admirations of others, and my need for alone time. With all of that in tact (plus all the other shit I find necessary in a partner), maybe monogamy won’t be so bad.